My Most Important Goal

Dear Evie,
You are sleeping right now and instead of doing my homework (which I'm  behind on) I decided to write you a little note. Okay, you caught me. I'm procrastinating. Don't follow my example on this, by the way! I find it funny (and nice) that no matter how overwhelmed and stressed I get, I never think "If only I didn't have a baby" or think that its your fault I'm overwhelmed. In fact, it's almost the opposite. I think about how incredible it feels to know that the one truly important responsibility in my life is you! Seth comes in a close second. Heehee.  It reminds me of the other day when you were sitting in your high chair eating breakfast. I was cleaning up the kitchen and making a "today's goals" list on the whiteboard. I was coming up with all these things like, reading my textbooks, writing on my novel, vacuuming, dishes, things like that and I felt like something was really missing and then I realized my most important goal of the day was you! So next to "do the dishes," I wrote, "love Evie."  That was a very easy one to check off. In fact, I gave it two check marks.  I do enjoy your nap times though. But don't get me wrong, its not because I need a break from you, its because I don't feel guilty doing other things like writing this, or homework, things like that. When I try to do them when you are awake, it is more difficult because you want my attention, but its more difficult because I want to give you my attention! I feel like while you are awake, I should spend every moment attending to you. I know that is pretty unreasonable and unpractical, but I think its a pretty good reason why the dishes don't get done consistently.  I'm making this a short blurb because I really do need to start my homework while I have a quite moment without my conscience nagging me.  I'll see you in about an hour! (Please be an hour...)
Mommy Micki

Experiencing the Black Licorice of Parenthood

I have so much to say to you today but I don't know where to start!  You are asleep right now and I am enjoying the rare moment of quietness.  But obviously, I'm still thinking about you.  Thanks to your dad, you've been sick these past couple days and it has been uncomfortable for you but I've been surprised at how happy you have stayed.  I had one of those terrible mommy moments yesterday.  You had such a stuffy nose that you couldn't breath while you ate and you were so upset and crying and you kept looking up at me like it was my fault. I felt so guilty. I felt like I should have been able to protect you from getting this stickin' cold but of course I can't. Again, I'm blaming Seth.  Anyway, you were so tired at this point but you couldn't sleep because you couldn't breath. So, in a moment of willpower, I took that turkey baster looking thing and sucked out your nose. This was the first time I had to do this since you were a tiny baby.  Brandi reminded me how terrible it was for me to do that to you back then. I had to have her do it for me a couple of times because I couldn't stand to hear you cry like that at my expense.  Well, I guess I've grown some mommy...guts (I was going to say balls but that's just gross) since then because when I had to this to you yesterday I was able to do it without crying.  I still felt terrible though.  You were so upset with me that you were trying to escape using your arms, legs, anything possible making it so difficult that I had to pin you down. Terrible I know! But, after that nasty experience we were both able to relax and you took a nap. YAY!

I had to take a break because you just woke up and I got to have the best moment of my morning, which is your hugs! Every morning if I'm not there when you wake up I get a big hug when I come in. Its the best! I've discovered that hugs make all those terrible moments, like I just told you about, totally worth it.  You gave me one of your biggest hugs on Sunday.  You had been playing in the the nursery with some kids while Seth and I were in a training meeting and when you got handed back to me you wrapped your hands around my head and just held me there tightly for about two minutes. It was amazing! This may sound like a really small thing but it isn't. Once you have kids you will discover how amazing it feels to know that your child loves and appreciates you even at such a little age.  I hear all the time in the media about how parenthood is a lot of trials, struggles, and is an all around nasty thing with tiny moments of the opposite.  When Seth and I heard this in a movie he said "That's not the way it is! Its the other way around!" He is so right! Being your mom is like getting Halloween candy as a kid. Its exciting, mysterious, and filled with mostly yummy things but every now and again you find something nasty, like black licorice, YUCK! But like I said, those are few and far between.  
Until next time, lovey. I have to go change your diaper now.
Mommy

Introduction

Dear Evie,
I'm writing these little letters to you for a few of reasons.  First, I want you to be able to someday read and understand what it is like for me being your mother. I want you to be able to have a window into a our day-to-day after you are no longer able to remember the good (and bad) days we've had.  Second, if something were to happen to me, I want you to have an accessible and clear way to know how much I love you more every day. Even when you throw up in my hair and poop on my  new, white, carpet.  Third, I'm using this for selfish reasons as well. You see, you can't talk...yet. This causes a bit of a problem for me when I am home most of the time with someone who can't talk. These letters are going to be a bit of an outlet for all the things I want to say to you but I know you can't understand.  The last reason is why I chose to make this a public blog.  I want others to be able to gain an honest and realistic view into the mind of someone who would gladly die for someone who can't talk and poops on their carpet.  I know there are a lot of mommy-blogs out there but I hope this one can be more personal and meaningful for the both of us and anyone out there who is wondering about motherhood or just about us. 
I love you baby girl and I'll talk to you soon.
Love,
Mommy